What if
by Vampirstein
Summary: What if derek had never caught Addison in bed with Mark and she had gone to Seattle with him in the first place? How would that have changed things? I'm not quite sure where this is going, but I promise there will be some MerDer eventually.
1. Down on my knees

This is the first real story I am writing, before I only did shortcuts. I am so excited :)

I was inspired to this story by the story "Bright and shiny" from karensmith, who played a whole new scenario where Merdith was married to Derek before starting her intern year and everything turned out totally different.

So I began to wonder what would have happened if not the whole circumstances but just a little thing would have been different, namely that Derek hadn't caught Addison and Mark in bed even though they had an affair.

I hope you like it! (And if you don't please let me know why)

* * *

Quiet and calm. That's how an uninvolved audience would have described the scene. Addison Shepherd was curled up on the side of Mark Sloan who was comforting her. But on the inside of this scene it wasn't all so quiet. If you looked closer you could see Addison nervously biting her lips. She knew what she did was wrong, sleeping with Mark. But it felt so right. But still she was in love with Derek and she had made a decision she had to tell him. 

'Just one more minute' she wanted to keep and enjoy the peace before she finally had to destroy the situation. Finally it took her ten more minutes before she eventually couldn't hold it anymore and just spit it out "Derek and me, we might leave for Seattle. For a new life."

Suddenly Mark stopped to comfort her and sat up in bed.

"What?" He looked totally puzzled.

With a sigh Addi turned around and also sat up.

"Derek and me, we might be leaving for Seattle." She repeated it, fully aware that Mark had got it at the first time, but she didn't want to deal with the uncomfortable answers unless she had to.

"I got that. Why?" Mark fired back, moving a little away from her.

"We both got an offer from Richard Webber yesterday. He needs a new head of neurosurgery and I could overtake the neonatal unit."

"So actually he wants only Derek. Why are you going with him?" he stressed the why as to tell a child what he meant.

"He is my husband." She was still avoiding answers that would reveal anything about her reasons.

"I know that. I was there when you married, remember? But why are you going with him? You don't love him."

"I love him! I really…"

"Bullshit! You have been sleeping with me for months now. He can't give you what you need anymore!"

"I may not be in love with him, but I still love him. There is a difference. He is a good guy. You are sleeping around. You are not a guy for commitment. I would be a coward, leaving Derek – the good guy – for you, the sex machine."

"The sex machine? That's what you call me? I thought you were in love with me. And besides that, you are also 'sleeping around', as you call it" Mark was clearly getting upset now.

"I am not sleeping around! I am just with you, what is also wrong, I know, but you are with a new woman every week, what is even more wrong. And I thought I was in love with you, but I am not." Addison raised her voice now. "I have a stabile relationship with Derek and if he wants to leave I will go with him."

"So I will loose my best friend and the love of my life?"

"Your best friend!" Addison rolled her eyes. "The best friend whose wife you are screwing."

"I am not 'screwing' you and I am indeed Dereks best friend! He is my brother, I love him. I just don't think that you should be with him."

"Oh Mark, you have an excuse for everything! Do you even get that what we are doing is wrong? Because that's exactly what it is! What we are doing is wrong!" The last sentence she said more for herself, hoping to finally understand that it was wrong. Because every time she was with him her mind said 'wrong' but her heart said 'right'.

For a minute they just looked at each other. Then Mark broke the silence. Touching Addisons cheek he said, suddenly totally calm, "I don't want you to leave."

"Mark, you need to understand that we can't do this. Having an affair is not good and it's no real love. Having a relationship wouldn't work with us, you know that. So we better end this. And a country between us will surely help to do it." Addison looked insecure as if she wasn't convinced by what she said either.

_Do you really think __he can love you more than me, do you really, really think so  
Do you really think he can love you more than me, baby I know he won't  
Cause I loved you, unconditionally, I gave you even more than I had to give  
I was willing for you to die, cause you were more precious to me than my own life_

"Addison. I assure you we could make it work. We can have a working relationship." Finally there was desperation in Marks voice. "We are in love, isn't that enough?"

"Oh Mark, don't lie to yourself, it is enough that you do it to everyone around you. It wouldn't work. We need to stop all this. Love isn't enough if there isn't any safety, some commitment. And you are not good in commitment, you know that. I believe you love me and I believe you want it to work, but it wouldn't work. You know that. We need to end this."

_D__own on my knees, I'm begging you _

_Do__wn on my knees, I'm begging you _

_Do__wn on my knees, I'm begging you_

_Please, please don't leave me_

"No, Addi. We need to do nothing. Derek can leave for Seattle, but I am begging you, stay with me. You could be my chance to finally settle down, to have a working relationship, maybe a family. I can change, I can make it work." He tried to touch her, but she turned his hand down.

Suddenly there was a sad look on Addisons face. "I'd like to believe that, but I can't."

While saying that she stood up, grabbed her purse and her shoes and left the apartment. Back she left a totally confused and sad Mark Sloan. A world had collapsed for him. His best friend and the woman he loved would leave him.

* * *

So, that's it. Positive and negative reviews are both welcome. 

And if there is a native English speaker who would like to beta read the story please tell me! I am not a native speaker and even though i did my best I am sure the language could be improved. And also the story itself could. So what I am looking for is full beta reading service ;)

Chapter two is already finished in my head, I just need to write it down. If you post reviews I will write it down asap, if you don't it will take some time ;)

The lyrics are from "Down on my knees" by Ayo.


	2. Chapter 2: Feelings

_First I have to apologize. It took me ages to finish this chapter, but I had so much going on and so many problems with writing, because I didn't like the chapter in the first and second and third and so on version and changed it a thousand times. I still don't like it that much. It is more a summary of everyones feelings and not an actual chapter anyways._

_So, I will try to update faster._

_And to Megan13: I think you didn't receive my mail or deleted it as spam or whatever. So I posted it without your feedback. I hope that's okay with you. I will try to send you Chapter three as soon as I finished, if you still want to beta-read it._

* * *

_Six weeks later….._

So here they were, standing at the gate and waiting for their flight to start boarding. Derek and Addison both were lost in their own thoughts and sad. Derek tried to comfort Addison by holding her tight, but didn't realize that this made her feel even more uncomfortable because the one waiting with them was no one else than Mark Sloan.

Maybe, if Derek would not have been so totally lost in his own thoughts, he would have noticed not only this, but also the looks Mark gave Addison. That special kind of looks.

But he was just too lost. This was like leaving for college, leaving his family for the first time. He had always been a family person, being most comfortable with all his sisters and the rest of the family around. Sure, sometimes they argued and he often said that he didn't like them, but still they were a part of his life that grounded him, that gave him steadiness. The part of his life that didn't change. Lovers came and disappeared, friends came and disappeared, but his sisters were always there. He had argued with them when he was little and he argued with them now. They were reliable.

Just as reliable as their reactions on his plan to leave New York. They had argued, yelled, called him names, doubted his sanity and avoided him for like a week before they came crawling up to him again and said they were sorry and only wanted the best for him – but he still was a coward to leave New York for Seattle, they only wanted to make that point clear. He had to smile about that. That were his sisters – quick tempered and stubborn. So he wasn't very surprised to see none of them at the airport to kiss them goodbye.

But besides being all that, his sisters were like his best friends. They knew him better than anyone and for some take out food they would listen to all his problems and care for him, even if that took them a whole night of sleep. Now he would leave for Seattle where he had nobody but Addison to rely on. Even if it scared him a bit that had been one reason to finally take the step and leave for Seattle. Their marriage had gotten a little rough recently and he hoped that a whole new environment could make them grow closer again.

* * *

Now Mark Sloan was standing on the gallery, watching the departure of the flight from New York to Seattle with his best friends on it.

He felt alone, abandoned, hurt… His best friend and the love of his life had just left him. He knew it might seem funny that he was calling a man whose wife he was cheating on him with him, his best friend. But that was just so. He wasn't comfortable with the situation, but he could not help it. He and Derek had met Addison together in Medical school and both had fallen for her, but only Derek got to date her in the first place. He had been okay with it and he thought that the old flame had died a long time ago. But an evening with Chinese take out and wine while Derek was at a conference, proofed him wrong.

He had been questioning the whole thing many times but never found a conclusion. He loved Addison and it was impossible for him to reject her. But he also loved Derek and he could not risk their friendship. So maybe it was better that they were gone. There would not be a chance to cheat on Derek for Addison and him, but there would still be a chance to keep his friendship with Derek.

It was definitely better the way it was. But how came he felt so miserable?

* * *

On the airplane someone had very similar thoughts. Addison Montgomery-Shepherd sat in her first class seat with a glass of champaign in her hand, next to the most perfect man in the world, ready to start a whole new life, but could not feel good and look forward to it.

She missed a not so perfect man in New York and it made her feel miserable. Derek really was a perfect man. He was charming, good-looking, successful, caring and rich and he loved her. Just perfect. But she had nothing better to do than to cheat on him with a man that changed his bedfellows more often than his underwear. But she could not help it – Mark was her prince charming, even if he was not for real, because Derek was much more charming and…. She censured herself for rambling in her thoughts. Fact was, that her feelings were totally crazy.

* * *

_So, that's it... I hope you review, even if you only want to say "Why do you post that shit?". Any review is welcome ;)_


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